If you’ve clicked through to this page you’re probably not going to win any husband of the year awards anytime soon. But nobody is perfect and if you’re like me you find other ways to make up for your infidelity - yes that is what you tell yourself. So no judgments here, we’re just laying down the tips. Here’s what happens: You book a trip to go on a romantic vacation with your wife and the two of you are very excited. But somewhere in between booking and take-off, your anticipation starts to turn as you realize that you’re going on vacation….with your wife! It’s not that you won’t have fun with your wife, it really isn’t about that. It simply comes down to the need for sexual conquests during travel. It’s sort of difficult to explain, but whenever we pack the suitcase something happens to us and we instantly feel like we have to sample the real local produce from wherever we go. You pay all this money to go somewhere, you find someone to watch your dog, you pack all of your stuff, you wake up at 4AM on the day you leave – I mean at the very least you should be able to have sex with someone new, right? How much of a vacation is it if the vagina that inhabits your house 365 days a year is the only one you see? For a while I wasn’t sure whether anyone else felt this way, but I’ve received emails from people asking me how to accomplish this feat so it’s time to break it down. Not that’s it’s anything to be proud of, but I have been there and done that when it comes to this so I know what works. You can use the following tips anywhere, not just in Thailand.
Here’s how you get away with cheating on your wife while you’re on vacation with her:
1) Embrace the pay for play because you don’t really have any other options. Have you ever had a brief fling with a girl you met on a vacation and had an absolute blast? Yea well you forfeited that as an option when you got involved in a serious long term relationship with a girl who expects to join you every time you go away. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that every minute counts in this scenario, and there isn’t even close to enough time to score with a regular girl.
2) Research heavily! You won’t have time to explore the scene once you’re there so you really need to hammer the internet for information prior to leaving. Find out if there are any escorts or dirty massage parlors near where you’ll be staying and see if there is any hot spot for working girls. Make sure you clean out your browser history and cache after you’re done accumulating information since that is one of the very common ways guys get caught. Have a few good options, #’s, names of places, or even addresses hidden in a random email folder before you leave and you’ll be in good shape. Also be sure to pay extra attention to the daytime options because you’ll usually have more freedom during the day.
3) Book your wife a massage/ spa treatment. This kills two birds with one stone. The intense spa and massage treatments take hours and there really isn’t a better present for your wife than this. You look like a hero and you get the job done! So you make an appointment with whoever you want to see and then you make your wife an appointment at the same time in the spa. You surprise her with the present and you run off. She’ll be too happy to be skeptical and right before she goes in she’ll ask you what you’ll do. Just tell her you’ll take a quick nap and you want to find a place that sells eye drops or foot cream or whatever soothes some sort of believable issue you might be facing.
4) Go for a run. You can’t really say you’re going to work out in the fitness room of the hotel because that can be double checked. Going for a run is the perfect excuse if you’re going to a brothel or a massage parlor. Make sure you dress the part. If you don’t normally run just act like the beautiful scenery inspired you. IF you wind up taking too long you can just say that you overestimated your ability to run long distances and you nearly collapsed a mile in and had to sit on a bench for a while. Make sure you do run at least a little before you get back to your room so that it looks like you were running all along. The nice thing is that you can jump right into the shower without arousing suspicion.
5) Book a second room in your hotel. This is an old school move and I’ll admit that I did not come up with it on my own. After you’re already checked into the hotel, wait for a good opportunity to go to the lobby and book another room. The ideal time is when your wife jumps into the shower in the evening before she gets ready to go out to dinner with you. This won’t work if you’re staying in a really small hotel where everyone knows everyone. Make sure the 2nd room is on a different floor and check in, being sure to remember which key card is which when you stash them in your wallet. Having the 2nd room is going to make it possible for you to see an escort without spending too much time. We’ll discuss some other ways to free time up below, but the important thing is that with the 2nd room you have a place to do the deed without having to waste any time getting there and back. You can easily be back in your room 45 minutes after you leave, something that would not be possible if you had to exit your hotel.
6) Rehearse a situation with your friend. This only works if you have a friend who lives in the city you’re visiting and he’s not married or his wife doesn’t know your wife. Grab an after dinner drink with your friend and bring your wife. Just before meeting your friend or while he’s in the bathroom, mention to your wife that you feel bad for your friend because he just got divorced or he can’t find anyone and he’s always alone. Then finish your drinks and say goodbye to your friend as if the night is over. Go to your hotel room and do everything you would normally do before bed. Then your phone rings! Your friend tells you that he’s really depressed and asks you if you could meet him to talk because he’s all screwed up right now. You tell him you’re sleeping and you can’t and you’ll see him tomorrow, but he insists and guilts you into meeting him. You act so annoyed and shake your head as you start putting your clothing back on. Your wife might actually feel sorry for your friend in which case you’ll have hours of free time. Or she might just be annoyed by the situation, but that’s still entirely different than being skeptical. When you come back make sure you have some details about what the guy is going through and never stop acting annoyed. The more annoyed you are the less annoyed your wife will be.
7) Plan a meeting way out in advance and dress the part. This works well as long as you plant this seed well in advance. Depending on where you go or what you do, conjure up a believable meeting weeks before you leave. For example, I do web design and database development. So a few weeks before we leave all I would say is that there’s a guy who lives where we’re going who I’ve been talking to about doing a project for 6 months and I’m finally going to get to meet the guy in person to see if I can close a deal. Since you mentioned it way in advance and since the meeting will be during the day, it’ll be believable.
8) Last but not least, is a good ol’ fashion stomach ache. After dinner start making the faces and noises you would if you ate 3 Big Mac’s. Wait for your wife to fall into a deep sleep and quietly throw on some clothing. Once you’re ready to leave, whisper in your wife’s ear that your stomach is killing you and that you’re going to go to a pharmacy to get something. Now if your wife trusts you even a little bit she’s not going to check the time when you leave. She’s going to quickly remember that your stomach has been bothering you all night and she’ll go right back to sleep. If she doesn’t trust you she’ll check the clock the minute the door shuts and she’ll check it the minute you get back. In terms of avoiding suspicion this could be the difference in having 45 minutes or having 90 minutes so you’ll have to gauge things accordingly. If your wife mentions anything about you taking too long just say you had horrible stomach cramps and you were in a McDonald’s bathroom or the hotel lobby bathroom for 40 minutes.
Other tips to consider:
Don’t fully shower – If you step out for an hour and come back your wife is going to think something is up if it looks and smells like you just took a shower. You also don’t want to smell like women or perfume so dab yourself with water and soap in the key areas but don’t take a full on shower.
Check pockets- Make sure you don’t have anything stupid in your pockets like a condom box or a receipt from a place you weren’t supposed to be at.
Lipstick- Checking your pockets could be done right outside your hotel door, but checking to see if you have lipstick on your face can’t. So make sure you do this somehow and somewhere before you get into your room. IT might sound like a clichéd way to get caught, but it still happens.
Whenever you’re away from your wife you had a horrible time- This is something you have to remember for the rest of your life. It doesn’t get anything accomplished for your wife to know you had a good time without her in almost any situation. Get used to acting indifferent! And when you do something really enjoyable, those are the times when you should act like you had a downright miserable time. Unless you have a wife who is in full blown detective mode (the beginning of the end), she is usually going to believe the story that she wants to believe. And as insane as it is, they usually like hearing that you had a bad time without them. You’d think they would catch on, but instead they just continue to eat up the stories about how your day or night totally fell apart without them. When I come home from a long night out with my friends I might say, “Oh that was terrible. My tooth is still killing me; I think I’m going to have to go to the dentist. The pain was unbearable all night. And George drank too much and was acting like a total jackass. I’m just happy to be home.” It shouldn’t work, but it always has and it always will.
Bang your wife – If your wife is skeptical about what you’ve been doing while you were out you’ll have to bite the bullet and have sex with her. Your wife doesn’t actually believe that you’re manly enough to satisfy two women in a night, so this almost always works even if it is quite a chore.
Deny deny deny - As I said before, if your wife is in full detective mode every minute of every day it’s time to call it quits. However if you gave her a reason to second guess your behavior you always have to deny any wrong doing. Short of being caught red handed, there is no situation where you shouldn’t deny an accusation no matter how true it is. If she has some evidence because you screwed up she will make a huge deal about it for a few days, but as long as you keep denying things, eventually she’ll get to the point where it’s easier to believe you and it feels better to accept your lie than to question it any further.
Flip Mode - Imagine if you went to eat a cheese burger and then came back and your wife accused you of having sex with a girl in the time that you were actually just eating. What would you do and how would you react? Unfortunately most guys don’t keep this in mind when their wife accuses them of something they did do and the wife can pick up on it. The truth is that if I’m accused of having sex with a girl when all I did was eat a cheese burger, I’m going to be pissed. And very shortly after showing my outrage I’m going to focus the situation on how crazy SHE IS. This is called “the flip.” And if you’re accused of doing something you really did do you have to use “the flip” just as you would if you were merely eating a burger.